


suppress (i wish it was a nightmare)

by blankcamellia



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: A lot - Freeform, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Yamada is pining after Chinen, he's getting around, no happy ending, this is basically filth but I somehow enjoyed writing it, with everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:01:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24530458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blankcamellia/pseuds/blankcamellia
Summary: He knows Chinen is aware of how much he's getting around, but the shorter never says anything. He doesn't know why, but he's grateful for it. He doesn't deserve Chinen at all.
Relationships: Chinen Yuri/Yamada Ryosuke, Nakajima Kento/Yamada Ryosuke, Nakajima Yuto/Yamada Ryosuke
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	suppress (i wish it was a nightmare)

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't stop writing it, and it's a mess and it's supposed to be a mess, but it's a mess I kind of want to post. Does that make me a mess? Probably.  
> I promise I'll write something fluffy to make up for this lol :D

He slips out of the room as quietly as he can, not wanting to disturb the other he left in there. There were still a few more minutes until his next rehearsal and he wanted to be on time. As always. 

The feeling of getting himself off in-between rehearsals is nothing like anything else, but he needs it, because every time he sees Chinen, he reacts so strongly he doesn't know what to do. Every time Chinen speaks up, voice light and peppy, he feels shivers running down his spine. Everything about Chinen makes him crazy, and he's on the edge of his own patience. All he wants to do is to drag Chinen away, somewhere secluded, or in public, anything goes, kiss him senseless, steal his breath away, tear his clothes apart, put his mouth on the unmarked skin, touch what no one else has touched.

But he knows better because he treasures Chinen more than just a physical attraction. He doesn't want Chinen to be one of everyone else. So he goes to others he can put his dirty hands on.

To him, Chinen is what he needs to stay sane in this hectic, fake world called entertainment. He needs Chinen to stay grounded, to stay alive. 

He knows Chinen is aware of how much he's getting around, but the shorter never says anything. He doesn't know why, but he's grateful for it. He doesn't deserve Chinen at all. 

It's come as far as he doesn't know how to stop. How to not turn to someone he can barely remember except for how their body reacts when he touches them. 

He longs for the moments he spends with Chinen, doing nothing at all, being himself, or at least what he thinks is himself, just relaxing and having a good time. Because he knows how to strangle the warm and fuzzy feelings inside his heart. He doesn't deserve to feel that around Chinen. He doesn't deserve to love the other when he can't get himself back on track without physical release. He's mastered the art of being just a friend, and not a friend in love. 

He's not mastered the art of keeping his arousal in check however, so every time he's with Chinen, and he gets hard, he has to excuse himself to the toilet. It's an annoying amount of times now because Chinen has been extremely attractive lately and his crotch admits it way before he does. It never takes him long on the toilet either, he's always shamefully hard by the time he locks the door, and pulls his cock out of his pants, stroking it fast. All it takes is for him to reimagine Chinen doing whatever he just did, and then he's coming. 

Then he feels the shame and guilt wash over him because how dare he think about his best friend like this, use him as material to get himself off when he can't even get himself to confess. 

It's why it's always easier to fall in bed with others - others who don't get attached, or judge him, or ask questions or make him feel like the lowest scum on earth. 

Sometimes, most of the time, he joins Yuto in the abandoned dressing rooms, to relieve stress. It works for both of them, compatible like fire and oil, and Yamada never says no. Because Yuto knows his body the best, knows exactly where to touch, where to kiss, and where to aim. 

He's almost crying out of relief, or frustration, when Yuto is holding his hips steady with one hand, blunt nails digging into his skin, the other tangled in his hair, pushing his head down on the table as he pounds into him, hitting deep inside him with precise, quick thrusts. 

They never say anything to each other, never needed. Maybe Yuto knows how much he pines after Chinen, maybe he doesn't. He barely says Yamada's name. Neither does Yamada.

He feels how Yuto holds him down with power, big hands and long fingers on his body, so different from the ones that got him hard in the first place, the ones that got him in this mess. It's because it feels different that it is helping, that it feels less shameful how he reacts to Chinen. 

No matter who he fucks, or to get fucked by, Chinen is always on his mind. 

It never helps when people he used to go to starts to see someone else either. It makes him feel more and more like an asshole, also because he can't stop thinking about them still. The way their bodies seemed to fit so good together, and how that was his salvation.

* * *

The one time it hits him hard is when Kikuchi and Nakajima are walking off the stage, done with their performance, another solid one from them despite missing a member, and when Yamada meets eyes with Nakajima, the taller one is just staring blankly at him. Yamada is slightly confused because Nakajima hasn’t contacted him in a while. They haven’t been out alone in a while like they used to. He wonders why because the younger had always been very eager to be with him on their days off.

He’s about to reach out and say “good job” when Kikuchi slaps Nakajima lightly on the back of his head, gracefully getting the attention from the older one. Yamada frowns at the motion, not quite liking the rough treatment Kikuchi is giving Nakajima (even if he knows exactly how rough Nakajima likes it behind closed doors), but he takes the thought back when he notices how Kikuchi’s hand lingers on Nakajima's head, protectively and caring, gaze dark and hard when he meets Yamada’s eyes. 

_Stay away._

Yamada then understands why Nakajima hasn’t contacted him in a while. 

He catches himself before his thoughts run away, not wanting to think about Nakajima, naked and sweaty, spread out on the bed, face red, hands running all over his body, only it’s not his hands but Kikuchi's. 

Now he understands why Nakajima's eyes were missing the heated gaze, driving lust, and endless promises.

He feels himself starting to get hard at the thought of Nakajima, remembering the last time they met, the way Nakajima's hard breath had been the only sound in his ears, the tight heat around him being the only thing he felt when he pounded into the taller because that's the only time he feels anything. 

The moment Chinen's hand falls on his lower back, motioning for them to prepare for their entrance, he snaps out of it and wills away the feelings, a smile crawling upon his face. He knows Chinen sees right through him, probably thinks he's disgusting, and he thinks the same. Maybe he is. 

It hits him again when he accidentally walks into the wrong dressing room after the show, where Kyomoto is busy giving head to Matsumura. He excuses himself quickly, not even bothering to care about the fact that neither of the younger boys bat an eye at his entrance, too occupied in their own world, and if Yamada remembers right, both of them like the thrill of possibly getting caught. 

He gets overwhelmed by the way his body remembers the way Kyomoto's mouth feels, wanting to switch places with Matsumura, sucking every single ounce of shame out of him, tongue lapping up all the evidence of his release. He never got to touch Matsumura, and now he realizes why, because Kyomoto had always been there to protect the other. A part of him thinks it's a shame they never got to do anything, because he thinks they'd be gorgeous together - him and Matsumura, but swallows that thought because they deserve undisturbed happiness. He won't meddle with any of them. 

His seniors are busy with other things, or others, most of the time when he needs them, which is also a reason why he seeks out Yuto more often than others. 

He's come to the point where he doesn't care anymore. All he wants is for Chinen to be happy, even if it's not with him. So he basks in the moments where Chinen gives him attention, shines with delight when Chinen calls his name - _Ryosuke, Ryosuke, Ryosuke,_ and genuinely smiles back when they meet eyes. He lives for the moments where they can act like the best friends they are, where his own wicked feelings never take form, and where he doesn't get insanely attracted to Chinen. 

It's what he wants - for it all to be as normal as it can. 

Even if normal means occasional boners in the middle of practice because Chinen's back and shoulders enter his vision, and they move just like they would as if he had been on top of Yamada, or because Chinen is being Chinen, and Yamada is helplessly in love. 

He just wishes he could stop being a coward and confess. Stop turning himself to others for sexual comfort because he feels disgusted imagining Chinen while jerking himself off. It's actually no difference if he's with someone else, but he can pretend. At least it's someone else physically.

* * *

Then there are those days when he can't help himself when his needs take over when the arousal is too strong. He's rock hard before he even gets his pants off, cock straining against his boxers, staining them with precum. 

He doesn't know what triggered it, he just knows that Chinen is on his way, and he needs to take care of this immediately before he arrives. 

Images of Chinen stripping his clothes off floods his mind, his eyes mapping out his back and shoulder blades as Chinen pulls his shirt off, his waist so tempting to wrap an arm around, pull him closer, to bite down on the nape of his neck, run his fingers over his lean muscles, hear his soft moans when he touches Chinen, strokes him slowly, see him fall apart, and — 

His breath hitches, his release so, so close, _just a little bit more_ , when the door opens.

There's no time to collect himself, even switch out of his horny mode, before Chinen looks at him in his lowest, most disgusting state. 

He moans Chinen's name uncontrollably as he squeezes his cock tighter, trying to hide it from the younger's view, too ashamed and too startled. He doesn't even go flaccid, because it's Chinen staring at him, and it's strangely hot. He tries to assess the situation, tries to see some kind of reaction in Chinen's eyes but there is none. 

Until he climbs into bed, straddling Yamada. Then he sees a hunger in Chinen's eyes too. Something he's never seen before and it makes his throbbing erection twitch. 

Then Chinen leans down, lips brushing against the shell of his ear before he whispers.

"Looks like someone is happy to see me?"

It all feels so unreal, so out of character for Chinen, too close for comfort, but he can't help the useless whine that escapes his lips. Chinen is so close, so tempting, so arousing. 

Chinen lets his fingers wander over Yamada's upper body, eyes trained on following them, making Yamada shiver and arch into the touch. He knows it shouldn't happen this way, he should say something because everything is backward. Chinen shouldn't touch him - but it feels so good, he should sully his hands on Yamada and his dirty body. 

But it's Chinen. 

Then, Chinen's hands are removing his own, exposing his leaking, hard cock. He hissed at the loss of pressure, wanting nothing else than something, _anything,_ on it. He was so close earlier, so close. 

He sees how Chinen stares at him as if he's drinking the sight of Yamada. Then, the world turns silent when Chinen wraps one hand around him. 

He doesn't hear his own moan, but he feels it, vibrating through his whole body, and he swears he sees Chinen smirk at him. 

The slick sounds of Chinen stroking him, hard and fast, almost gets him to the edge, managing to stutter out a warning, which makes Chinen stop. 

Chinen leans down, face so close to Yamada's, and he thinks they could kiss if he only could muster the strength to lean up. 

"You want me?" 

Chinen's words are hot on his lips, his hazy, horny, arousal filled mind only registering the opportunity and he nods. 

He sees Chinen smile before he leans back, pulling his shirt over his head and Yamada gasps, cock throbbing at the sight because it's happening. Everything he doesn't want but wants is happening. 

Chinen wraps a hand around him again, squeezing him hard enough for him to jerk his hips up and moan. He feels how Chinen's hand slide easily over his cock, his precum leaking so much and making it easy. 

He closes his eyes in pleasure when Chinen thumbs his slit before rubbing the tip until he's a shaking mess.

There's a brief vision of Chinen positioning himself on top of Yamada, eyes closed in concentration and pleasure as Yamada's thick length disappears into him, and Yamada almost comes.

It shatters when he feels a sharp, wet sting to his right cheek.

He opens his eyes in shock, only to see Chinen glaring at him, left hand raised.

“You really thought it would be that easy to get me into bed? You wish.”

And then, Chinen jumps off him, leaving him aroused, shocked, confused, hurt, disappointed, and disgusted at the same time. 

He walks away, picking up his discarded shirt from the floor Yamada should have cleaned earlier but forgot, broad shoulders and back even further away than it was before. A sight Yamada never thought he’d come to see. Never thought he'd see Chinen leave him. Not like this. He should have said something.

 _Fuck you_ is echoing between his wall as he wishes everything was just a dream. 


End file.
